The Secret Life of Joel Osteen

I didn't know much about Joel Osteen, just that he was a preacher and his book, Your Best Life Now, had been on the bestsellers list forever, but he seemed to remind me of someone.

But who? Who could it be? I puzzled over it for days until it finally hit me!

Martin Short! It was all there: the hair, the eyes, the nose, the smile. It's a wonder that it escaped me for so long, what with all of those similarities. I mean, really, what are the odds that two people looked that much alike? And on top of it, looked like that!

Could Joel Osteen be the illegitimate son of Martin Short? Or was it something more? We were talking about Martin Short here, master of disguise.

Maybe Martin Short was Joel Osteen!

Suddenly it all made sense. Martin Short was fooling everyone, pretending to be a Preacher Man, making money off the masses through his bestselling book (and journal and reader's guide), not to mention suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder! I mean, this was the man who gave us Ned Nederlander from the Three Amigos!, Frik from that really long-ass TV movie about Merlin, and Jiminy Glick from the Jiminy Glick Show. My, how hard it must be, juggling personalities and realities as you move back and forth between sets. Really, it was just a matter of time before Short forgot what TV set he was on and came out before Osteen's congregation looking like this!

Can't you see him emerging from behind he curtain at the front of his church, spewing a rain of doughnut crumbs with each open-mouthed breath. The TV viewing audience and the congregation would be stunned into silence, shocked by the obese, dirty man standing in front of them, unable to believe what their eyes were telling them: that this form should be inhabited by the spirit of their savior. And Short/Glick, realizing his mistake, would then raise his arms high to the Holy Lord, and say, "The Power of Jesus has made me a changed man!"

The possibility is almost enough to make me want to watch Osteen's show.

I know Short can only keep up the charade for so long, and I want to have a video tape recording when the time is right.

C'mon, give into the Temptation, Man! Let the world know who you really are! Embrace yourself! Give us the joy of wetting our pants with mirth!


So, um, yeah, this is what I think about as I toil away between the stacks of books: decode the conspiracies that lead to today's bestsellers. Knife of Dreams, Breath of Snow and Ashes, Harry Potter, I've got explanations for them all except for one, and really, Mary Magdalene being the actual chalice? A Catholic cover-up? Da Vinci hiding some sort of "code" in his paintings? Who comes up with this stuff?

It's a crazy world out there, folks, and there is only one thing we can rely on: Martin Short trying to screw with our heads.

So heed this, Martin, we're on to you, and we're waiting (record button ready) for you to make a mistake. Bring it on.