Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Mmm, Brains. Protein. Christmas Presents for the Zombie Lover in Your Life

...and he ate my brains.
Zombie Lovers Anonymous

That's how I feel this morning, like I spent all night last night walking with a Zombie. Only I was the Zombie and I kept leaving little bits of myself behind, which would explain why I'm so stiff this morning. Obviously I lost some important muscles and bone pieces. Oh, and brain pieces.

Maybe I got hungry and needed a snack.

Mmm, brains.

Too bad, I kind of needed those pieces to write a paper on the different forms of narrative in fiction as compared to theatre and how the voice of the narrator can differ from that of the character. Anyone who still has a working brain want to do it for me?


I didn't think so.

Let's talk about the undead then, shall we? And how they make a great Christmas present for the wannabe necromancer in your life.

"Chriiiiiiiistmasssss," they're probably moaning in your ear, sounding quite a bit like their undead counterpart. "Thiiiiiings for Chriiiiiiiistmasssss."

Why they're moaning, I don't know. Why do Zombies moan? Why can't there be a Zombie movie where instead of moaning the Zombies chirp "Brains" just like the seagulls chirp the word "Mine" in Finding Nemo? Why can't there be Zombie Seagulls? They're annoying enough.

I guess the world just isn't ready for them.

But what the world, and your Zombie-lovin' family/friend/lover/roommate are ready for is this handy little gift set. Should your Zombie fiend not be adverse to the idea of a comic Zombie take, I suggest getting them their own copy of Shaun of the Dead (if they don't already own it), the Zombie Survival Guide (as written by Mel Brooks' son, Max, and an equally funny guy), and the newest version of The Stupidest Angel (v2.0) which features a Zombie Santa Claus.

Yes, it's the perfect gift set, which should be rounded out with a sharp blade for you. One never knows when ones partner may cross the line into true Zombie territory and need to be beheaded. 'Cause if it comes down to a you vs. them scenario; they've got to go. Personally, I'm rather attached to my brains.

Even when they seem to be far, far from my head this morning.

Off to procrastinate on my paper, go to school and wow them at work.


Anonymous said...

Is there a resurgence of Zombimania in the works? I never quite got the fear of zombies thing. Nothing that a fast car can remedy. Zombie ninjas? Just wouldn't work. Crouching Tiger Hidden Zombie? Yawn.

Now, a survival guide to blobs and other sundry ectoplasm--THAT I'd buy.

Bookseller Chick said...

Hee, Zombie Ninjas. Sounds like a great parody film. As long as there is a Hollywood there will be a Zombie following.

I think that the whole Zombie fear stems from the idea of having something reach from below ground and grab you. That and the whole unstoppable hunger for brains. As for Blob survival, I think that it's covered here:

I would to the whole hidden link thing, but I'm not that smart in the morning.

Anonymous said...

Horror Movie Survival Guide...too funny. I'd love to hear the advice on how to survive Annie Wilkes.