Monday, April 17, 2006

SB Day: Top 10 list Why Not (Heroines)

It’s Smart Bitches Day and my brain is a little dead, so today let’s keep it short and sweet. I present to you the 10 ways to know you are not a romance heroine (feel free to add on):

(Note: two or more of these must apply to you to gain Romance Heroine status, complete with Happy Ending and Man-Titty Galore.)

10. You are not all alone in the world due to some tragic accident that took your mother, father, and multitude of siblings while blessedly sparing you or a horrible illness that killed your doting widowed grandma just as you graduated.

9. You have not woken to find yourself next to a naked man you don’t remember, whose very presence fills you with an unexplainable and overwhelming desire to shag like minks instead of calling the police and screaming at the top of your lungs about roofies.

8. You do not have a boyfriend who lives, LIVES, to go down on you. No, no, you don’t have to reciprocate. He does this because he loooooves it.

7. You have not been bitten by a dark, mysterious stranger whose sharp fangs make you feel tingles in your nether regions.

6. You have not had a secret baby (How does one go about having a secret baby anyway?).

5. You have not been kidnapped by pirates only to be taken in by the pirate captain because he thinks you are plucky (and also because he really likes your cleavage, wench).

4. You have not had an affair with a billionaire sheik/duke/business man/Spaniard/Australian only to break it off because of BIG MISUNDERSTANDING that could have been solved by just talking.

3. You have not been mysteriously transported to another dimension or time to meet the Viking/alien/cowboy of your dreams.

2. You have never pretended to be a man to infiltrate a secret society, save your brother from his gambling debts, or spy on your most hated enemy.

1. You do not have long flowing locks, bouncing breasts that defy gravity, and a twiggy figure that could never support them.

11 comments:

Lyvvie said...

Very Good list. I may add, for those who love those real olde historical romances, "You've never been bought as a slave." or "You've never posed as a cabin boy to gain passage on a Pirate ship, only to be discovered by the sexy captain who obviously has a boy-fetish."

Yeah...I'm sure there's loads of these. But they all make me feel so blah and bland a flavour of woman. Ah me.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I can say yes to all but #6 and #2. Guess I qualify?

- Derek

Kate R said...

Hey I think it's a great list. GREAT.

Kate, applauding.

Agent Kristin said...

I rep romance (read it and love it)but I still found this list hilarious (especially number 10 because I just blogged about the "stranger in a woman's room" scenario which never made sense to me).

You should also check out http://www.worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/

This website redoes the titles for some bad romance covers.

Truly worth spitting out your coffee over.
k

writeaway said...

Found my way to this list via agent Kristin's blog. Hilarious! I love it.

Anonymous said...

Found my way to Agent Kristin's blog. You forgot:
(14 because I agree with Lyvvie)

14. You have never been able to kick serious butt, use a firearm, and be worthy of your very own action figure, all while wearing stilleto boots and never having a bad hair day. Natch 'cause flowing hair and cute short hair are so much easy to take care of.

15. You have never been able to pull off the amazing art of being insulting, crabby, angry and annoying all while being thought of by all the males in the nearby vicinity as cute and spunky.

Hotclue said...

You have never found yourself in a dude ranch in the arms of a truly gorgeous hunk without any idea how you got there and you have no idea how to cook beans and salsa, but he definitely wants you to stay anyhow because you're going to help him inherit the ranch from his grandmother, who stipulated in her will he has to be married to a brunette by the time he's twenty six and his birthday is next week, so you'll have do die your hair but that's okay, you're a natural brunette anyhow under the blonde wig, which you have no idea where the wig came from but there's a scar on your head under the wig, which he promises to avenge whoever did it. Whew!

Norah said...

Oh yeah ...there went my coffee!

Anonymous said...

Please, save my aching ribs - I can't laugh anymore, really I can't!

Dixie Belle said...

This was so funny! It inspired me to do a hero list to the "You Might Be Redneck" theme.

Bleh said...

A few more:

- You've never been saved from certain death/rape at very last possible moment

- You've never been sold into marriage to pay off family debt

- You've never been abused horribly by some maniac and/or relative to then be nursed by a gorgeous and tender man

The list is great!