It’s Smart Bitches Day and my brain is a little dead, so today let’s keep it short and sweet. I present to you the 10 ways to know you are not a romance heroine (feel free to add on):
(Note: two or more of these must apply to you to gain Romance Heroine status, complete with Happy Ending and Man-Titty Galore.)
10. You are not all alone in the world due to some tragic accident that took your mother, father, and multitude of siblings while blessedly sparing you or a horrible illness that killed your doting widowed grandma just as you graduated.
9. You have not woken to find yourself next to a naked man you don’t remember, whose very presence fills you with an unexplainable and overwhelming desire to shag like minks instead of calling the police and screaming at the top of your lungs about roofies.
8. You do not have a boyfriend who lives, LIVES, to go down on you. No, no, you don’t have to reciprocate. He does this because he loooooves it.
7. You have not been bitten by a dark, mysterious stranger whose sharp fangs make you feel tingles in your nether regions.
6. You have not had a secret baby (How does one go about having a secret baby anyway?).
5. You have not been kidnapped by pirates only to be taken in by the pirate captain because he thinks you are plucky (and also because he really likes your cleavage, wench).
4. You have not had an affair with a billionaire sheik/duke/business man/Spaniard/Australian only to break it off because of BIG MISUNDERSTANDING that could have been solved by just talking.
3. You have not been mysteriously transported to another dimension or time to meet the Viking/alien/cowboy of your dreams.
2. You have never pretended to be a man to infiltrate a secret society, save your brother from his gambling debts, or spy on your most hated enemy.
1. You do not have long flowing locks, bouncing breasts that defy gravity, and a twiggy figure that could never support them.