Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Let Me Tell You About a Guy I Know… (Blind Date Reading Series)

Jeff introduced me to this guy the other day and he’s perfect for you.

Jeff? You know Jeff. Jeff Lindsay? He’s a writer, I think. You met him the last time we got together for that thing at that place…

Yes, Jeff. The guy with the hat. Exactly. Can I continue? Thank you.

Aaaaaanyway, Jeff introduced me to this guy and he’s just perfect for you. Perfect. Total sweetheart. Good looking but completely oblivious to the fact that that slutty LaGuerta woman was hitting on him the entire time. And he’s very laid back, very Hawaiian shirt laid—

Please. Don’t give me that face. You know you like Hawaiian shirts. I caught you checking out that guy the other day. Besides, it doesn’t matter what they wear as long as they have a sense of humor, right? And this guy? Total smiler, big joker, not afraid to laugh. Hell, half the time I didn’t even get the joke, but he was just grinning away and—

Of course he has a job! I wouldn’t set you up with a beach bum. What kind of friend would that make me? Don’t answer that. I can’t believe you still haven’t forgiven me for Ricardo. I had no idea that he was an unemployed himbo when I introduced you. I thought he was a bartender! Not that you have to worry about any of that with this guy, he’s completely legit, in law enforcement even.

No, he’s not a cop. Do I look like I want go through that again? He works for Metro Dade County as a blood splatter analysis, which means no late night phone calls to go out a scene or weird hours. His sister’s a cop though, and he doesn’t seem to mind that she has a more powerful job. I’m telling you, laid back! Perfect! I can hear wedding bells now.

What? His name? You mean I haven’t told you his—I’m such an idiot. His name’s Dexter, Dexter—

You’ve heard of him?

Wait a minute, you’ve heard he’s a what?

Whoa. Whooooa. I don’t know who you’ve been talking to—Was it Doakes? I bet it was Doakes. That conclusion jumping, bastard!—but he’s not like that, not like that at all. Dexter’s a nice guy. A really nice guy. He’s dealing with that whole sociopath thing really, really well. I mean look how well adjusted he is. And he loves kids! How can a man who loves kids be bad?

Serial Killer?

You think I’m trying to set you up with a serial killer?

That hurts. First of all, that’s never been proven. Ever. Hypothetically speaking, even if it were to come out that maybe, I said, maybe Dexter killed some people. I’d ask myself who they are. Maybe the people he’s killing, and again this is totally hypothetical, but maybe it’s just possible that they are in fact the serial killers. They are the evil ones, which then means that Dexter would be providing a service. Because most serial killers are never caught, and this is Miami. We have more than most. Don’t believe me then just watch CSI: Miami sometime.

Yeah, Caruso drives me nuts too. I tend to just blank him out, or count his acting crutches: glasses, hands on hips, walkie-talkie.

So about Dexter…

Oh, c’mon. How can you still have objections? He’s practically a saint! A good-looking, funny, children-lovin’ saint! And he may be performing a valuable service for our community!

Don’t you even want to meet him? He’s perfectly good at controlling his dark passenger as long as it’s not a blood moon or that he’s gone too long between kills. Hypothetically, of course. Not that you should be worried in the slightest because you’re not a serial killer, right? You’re safe.

And single. Safe and single…just like he is.

C’mon. Please give Dexter a chance. Anybody has to better than Ricardo, right?

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