Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Gonna need a bigger gun: I frickin’ hate zombies

Zombies freak me out on a very basic level, scaring me more than any other horror character.

The Monster from Frankenstein? Misunderstood.

Dracula? Oddly compelling. Woman throughout history have been falling for serial killers and he must have been mesmerizing to get all those chicks.

Wolfman? Just waiting for someone with enough dog knowledge to scratch him behind the ear and rub his belly. Girl soothes savage beast.

The Mummy? Well, one could argue that he’s basically the walking dead anyway—only with handy linen wrapping—and therefore falls in the zombie category. And what a category it is! Crazed, unreasonable…rotting. Ew, and drooling. I hate drooling. And once you are turned into one of their kind you don’t gain the pale loveliness of being one of Dracula’s chosen or the ability to transform with the full moon. Nope, you begin to rot, mindlessly crave flesh and lose pieces of yourself here in there.

(But don’t worry; you didn’t really need those entrails.)

Yuck. And scary. There’s no reasoning with the brain dead.

Given that I feel this way, I probably shouldn’t have watched the remake of Dawn of the Dead the other night, but I was just flipping channels and I really feel that Sarah Polly should be in more stuff. I watched for only a few minutes a shot (every time there was a commercial break with the other show I was following), but I saw enough to remind me that a.) zombies are still the most scary monster type out there, and b.) they move a lot faster than I thought they did.

Which got me puzzling out zombie biology, which then gave me nightmares because, dude, if they are unstoppable and caused by a virus that spreads rapidly then what the hell is that noise outside my window at three am in the morning?

I’m too young to be a flesh eating monster. My coloring is much better suited to vampirism.

Where’s Dracula when you need him?

Maybe if I read the Undead and Philosophy: Chicken Soup for the Soulless, I would be able to overcome my fear of the zombie hoard. Or at least, if I read Max Brook’s The Zombie Survival Guide I would know how to fight them off. First I would need a contingency plan though. Good thing Kelly Link has a short story all about that in Magic for Beginners. A friend of mine was so taken with the story that she had us all come up with what we thought the perfect place would be to hide out in during a zombie epidemic. A 7/11 in a dangerous area (for the bullet proof glass and the food)? Maybe something larger like a grocery store? How do you protect all the entrances and windows?

These are important things to think about. The Boss, when asked, came up with an excellent suggestion, which I would share with you, but…well…I wouldn’t want to have to fight you for it should this whole zombie thing actually happen.

It’s not that I don’t like you guys and all, but if word got out on the net we might not get in.

Maybe if I read David Wellington’s Monster Island I would come to terms with my zombie fear. If I, like Gary, retained my ability to think and could actually command a zombie army? That could be cool. The power would, of course, go to my head and I would probably commit horrible acts against the still living but, hey, gotta feed the zombie army. Don’t want the troops to get restless.

Of course, the question is whether I read Monster Island or Monster Nation first (as it was technically a prequel although it came out second) since it deals with the human side as the outbreak began.

Maybe I should just read Max Brook’s World War Z: the Oral History of the Zombie War to learn how it all went down in the end, and see who let it happen. First hand accounts of the Crisis as told to the author? What better way to find out exactly what I should be scared of! Once I face the fear I can move on, right? Accept the things I cannot change, etc, etc.

Then I’ll just have to worry about the robots.

Thank goodness they have a book for everything.

So what scares you?


Robin Brande said...

Skittering. That X-Files episode where the circus freak had a partially-formed twin growing out of his torso, and at night the partial twin would detach himself and go skittering along the ground and sneak into the other circus freaks' tents and kill them. Of all the things that creeped me out about that episode, the skittering was the worst.

I also CANNOT DEAL with the old face-at-the-window part of horror movies. You know--lightning flashes, and suddenly there's the face. Ugh. Hide me.

Moose said...

Number one on my list of Never Ever Do This Again is watch Shaun of the Dead on Easter. While eating ham. I couldn't touch ham for a year after.

Jackie said...

Stinging things scare the bejesus out of me.

(That and the theme song of HALLOWEEN, which my DH just blasted from his computer. Thanks, love. It's going to be damn cold in the bed tonight.)

Little Willow said...

Sarah Polley rocks. I've enjoyed her acting since Ramona.

Anonymous said...

I loved The Mummy - Death is only the beginning is a favourite line of mine and I have crept up beside my sister and whispered it to her!
I am terrified of things coming out of the bath; I was so scared when I saw What Lies Beneath alone, that I closed my eyes and crept down the seat!

But the thing that really scares me is that I have fallen in love with someone who lives in another country and I am scared that if I don't do something and soon; I am going to regret it...


Simon Haynes said...

Waking up and discovering it was all a dream.

Kendall said...

Usually I'm not scared by much, but reading Tanya Huff's good, fun, and funny Smoke and Mirrors late at night alone at home, with just the light by the bed on, when my other half wasn't home . . . wow, it scared me! I was surprised. ;-)

Rashenbo said...

I read Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide.... it's a must have for Zombie fans!!!!

bookreaderguy said...

I'm tired of zombie books and I think that all things zombie have been done to death lately (no pun intended). I am also *dead tired* of vampire erotica. I kind of like crossover genre stuff like funky serial novels and such. Read "The Official Blog of Marshall Jamrozik" at bloorstreetbooks.com - nice premise and easy on the eyes.

Marianne said...

Afraid of? Honestly?


(Also poisonous things. I think a poisonous beastie that caused Alzheimer's symptoms would frigging terrify me.)

Jill James said...

Hmmm. A beast that causes Alzheimers? There's a story there somewhere. LOL

I'm scared we'll nuke ourselves and the insects will rule the world.

Anonymous said...

I don't know where I got this idea in my head, but I think there's a tradition (albeit small) in ghost stories about a ghost which stands or sits by your bedside watching you. You wake up in the middle of the night and find this thing just expressionlessly staring at you.

Yeah, that creeps me out.

Misty said...


And lucky me, there are a dozen of the cursed things on display in the school library where I'm employed. All sitting on the tops of the nonfiction shelves, staring at me and biding their time until at last, we are alone, and they can come down from their perches and attack me.

I keep the scissors very close at hand.

:) M

Michelle K said...

I'm glad it's not just me that has a terrible irrational fear of zombies. The whole idea of them just squicks me out--mindless stumbling along, wanting to eat living flesh.


Just thinking about it gives me the creeps.

I also put things like ebola and flesh eating bacteria in the same category.

UGH. Now I need to go look at cute overload or something to get all better.

Kate R said...

the fact that I seem addicted to Ann Perry books?

Oh lordy, yeah, Michelle's reminded me--the Hot Zone. I used to live in Frederick Maryland (home of Ft Detrick and its Anthrax Tower, which really did exist while I was there) My husband worked at NCI and we'd hang out with microbiologists from USAMRIID. Lordy they are scary people working on scary things.